bigtips

Should I stop my sister from returning to a bad situation?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Dear Big Tipper,

I already know what you're going to say, but I feel very upset and conflicted by this situation, and want you to think carefully before you answer me. Please don't give the pat response.

My twin sister married her girlfriend several years ago. When they got married, our whole family was concerned that this was not a wise decision, because her girlfriend is, frankly, quite immature and we couldn't imagine them having any sort of healthy adult relationship. She says inappropriate things, is paranoid, cries at the drop of a hat, and is very manipulative of my sister.

I don't understand the relationship at all. but · sister loves her deeply, and I think she thought she could help her partner, but all that has happened over the past four years is my sister's deepening depression.

About six months ago her girlfriend told me they were breaking up, and she actually moved out of state. She then proceeded to have an affair with my sister's best friend. I assumed that that was that, and breathed a

sigh of relief. I would never wish a failed relationship on my sister, but I want her to have a chance to be happy.

Our whole family was relieved. My sister started to look less pained and anxious. The breakup was supposedly amicable, so it seemed like the best possible way she could have gotten out of what we all thought was universally perceived to be a terrible situation. My sister felt guilty because her ex was the one who was leaving (why?), and gave her all of the furniture and everything they 'd

bought together, and paid for several plane tickets for her to come back and visit.

As the months passed, we noticed that her ex was still sending us cards signed from the two of them, and seemed to be showing up at all holiday meals with our family. We assumed that she was in

some major denial. but that reality would crash on her sooner or later. reality

Well,

crashed in, but not on her. I spoke with my sister last week, and she told me that they were reconciling. I was horrified, and called my other sister

to confirm, and she said that she'd heard it, too, and everyone was just shaking their heads over it.

I firmly believe that people's relationships

I was about to marry, before I wasted those years?" But then you also know that if you say anything, and they do indeed get back together, all those opinions will go straight to the troubled partner to poison family gatherings for the rest of time.

BIG TIPS

are their own business, and I've never said anything to my sister about my misgivings. and have always treated her partner-ex-partner as a family member. My family doesn't talk about it a lot, but I know that everyone is concerned, and I really don't feel like that concern is misplaced. My sister finally escaped misery, and now seems to be heading right back for more.

Is it ever appropriate to tell someone that you think their relationship is bad, and that you are worried about what they're doing? You always hear people saying, “Why didn't my friends tell me that they all hated the man

I love my sister, and don't really care what her partner thinks of me, but I'd prefer that I not ruin the relative peace and pleasure of our family gatherings. Am I being weak and fearful? Is it her life to ruin? Please advise. Thanks.

Reluctant Opiner

Dear Twin Entwined.

Augh! This is so awful. You are doing exactly what I would probably instinetively do first. But to see her do it again? That's pretty hard to watch. Everyone gets issued one life to rum. (Later in life you may receive other lives that you can ruin by proxy, but dropping a kid on its head is a stupid move now here near as fun as surfing on top of a city bus.) You're right. as long as she's not being beaten or otherwise technically abused. it's her experience to manage on her own steam. But if you sense that there's a chance that they're not necessarily getting back together, you may have a rare window through which to slide a message of concern. Talk to her, but keep these things in mind:

1. Couch your conversation in terms of your love for her, and, I'd imagine, your previous tendency to stay out of her business. If you've not historically meddled in her affairs. it should be clear that you consider this an unusually important.case.

2. Do not slam the ex partner. Your sister would construe that as an attack on her judgement, and on someone whom she loves. The issue is not that the ex/partner is a monster, it's that this woman is not treating your sister in a way that is loving and mature and enriching your sister's life.

3. Use examples of problematic decisions you've made or judgement calls that were difficult or painful. You're not saying that she's a fool, but that life is one big series of choices with which we can more or less actively engage. We all make mistakes, and some are big ones, but second chances are rare opportunities that should be considered seriously.

4. End the conversation with the acknowledgement that you respect your sister and her judgement, you love her and want the best for her, and then let it go. If she wants to bring it up again, she can. You have honored your feelings and misgivings, and now you need to honor het right to figure it out for herself. May you never be in such a hard spot yourself. but if so, may you have friends and family with as much love and

restraint.

Good luck.

Burning questions Contact me at the Chromele, attention Big Tips. P O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone a drizzle.com.

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